Yet, as I think about the stresses in my life, it strikes me that when I feel the most out of touch with myself is when I feel like I have no control. I've been thinking about how to reconcile this seemingly conflicting advice.
I think that we really are out of control when we are working hard doing everything we "should" do - when we are being run in circles by society and our own demands to live a life that we think will make us happy, yet we find that we're still dissatisfied in. It's so easy to get into a rut with our lives, to not think about whether our relationships are really healthy for us or just comfortable, whether our career is fullfilling rather than just a means to security.
Giving control in a spiritual sense, to me, isn't at all about giving myself over to anything in a patriarchal sense, but is really about taking control of my life and living it to the fullest. Taking responsibility and making the choice to be mindful - to stop and eat lunch silently, really tasting every bite - to stop and be still, listening to the birds, the breeze, what my body and feelings wish to speak to me about - to make the choice to let go of anger and hard feelings; to choose mindfully not to speak harshly when someone annoys me, but to recognize my annoyance as an issue I need to work on, and release the other person from blame.
It seems, that surrender then, becomes a mindful action - a choice to take control from the pre-conditions imposed upon me, and to live an authentic life - allowing the world to unfold, engaged in what will support me and help others, rather than mindlessly running a rat race of "I shoulds".
Well, tomorrow is the big day - I report to the hospital at 5:30 am, and surgery starts at about 7:30 am. Tonight as I meditate, I'd like to contemplate control and surrender. As they wheel me into surgery, I hope that I will be at peace - living fully in the present, neither in the control of myself and my pain to be "good" in the way that is expected, avoiding those realities - nor in the control of fear and pain, suffering because I trust them more than my own heart.
It's not about trusting that everything will be ok - but trusting that my heart can make the choice to open to what lies ahead - to experience it in the grace of peacefullness.
