Though one may conquer a thousand times a thousand men in battle,
yet he indeed is the noblest victor who conquers himself.
~ Dhammapada 103

I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between disagreeing with some idea or action, and "button pushing". There's a big difference, yet communication can break down in a hurry when two people stop discussing and start reacting to their "buttons" being pushed.

I've never met, nor will I, someone who thinks exactly like I do - yet, I can appreciate and respect someone even when our ideas are very different. One of my best friends is a deliverance, fundamentalist, Christian minister - we couldn't have more different spiritual paths, yet we've found common ground and love for each other. The woman I wrote about yesterday, for example, wrote a thoughtful email response to clarify her comments. Very neat that ideas can make us think and folks from all sorts of paths and points of view can share!

What about when someone pushes my buttons, though? The other day, I watched two people going at it in "button pushing" mode and it reminded me of what I've learned about my own buttons - and I still have some that I need to work on!

What's going on when one of my buttons is pushed? I certainly don't like the feeling of having that well of anger rise, nor do I enjoy the feeling that I have to defend my position from attack. The understanding that I was feeling attacked was the first step to looking harder at myself for what those buttons are about.

Two things, I think are going on - first, my button being pushed is a gift. Secondly, the gift gives me a clue about something within myself that I need to fix - it's a mirror held up to my inner self.

ARRrrrrgggg - what a gift, huh?? Something inside me?? Talk about needing to be dragged kicking and screaming to that concept! lol It's so much easier to blame someone else for being a jerk!

For instance, one of my biggest buttons is my infuriation at arrogance. I really hate when someone thinks they're better than someone else. I really root for the underdog - and often feel like the underdog! Yet, I know in my heart - on a level between my cells - that we are all in unity with each other; all equal, not in the sense that we all should have the same talents, roles, ideas, material things, but in the sense that not one of us is more important than another on a very fundamental level. I also believe that I can not be harmed on that same very fundamental level. After all, I have eternal life - just as I see the clouds, the rain, the stars, and the compost in a flower, all of those things are in me, and I in them. The flower is at once impermenent, yet in it's wholeness is eternal.

So, where does this idea that the words of someone can harm me come from? Why does my fear of harm bubble up as anger? Lots of varied reason, I'm sure - mostly, from my own insecurity. When I get angry at an arrogant person, if I look within myself, I see several things:
Insecurity - a fear that I'm not good enough, that they really are right
Arrogance of my own - a need to be right, to claim being "better" myself
Weariness and sadness - at always having had to work and fight so hard and what I need and what I believe in

The nice thing, though, is that as I continue to look within at all of those clues - as annoying as it is to be reminded that I have inner work to do - I find that I become more secure, less prone to need to fight or defend, more apt to express my ideas with good humor and calmness. More likely to listen. There are still going to be "jerks" out there, but they don't have to push my buttons. I can disagree with them without harming myself by becoming angry and defensive. I can have some compassion for what they are going through internally.

Afterall, the arrogant person really does have issues that they need to work on. It's helpful to me to realize that their arrogance deep down has it's roots in fear. I'll never help or comfort a fearful person by getting mad at them. I still have lots of work to do on this issue - I'm getting better, but there are still times I have to bite my tongue to keep from saying some of the zingers I want to let loose! And lots of zingers that still get loose! lol

To me, it all boils down to two emotions - Love and Fear - Gerald Jampolski says it beautifully: "Love is letting go of fear."